It has been a while since I last wrote here and I have really missed it.
However, this has been a really helpful time for me in many ways. I realised something very important, I don’t expect anyone to understand me. This is on a very deep level and not even conscious, it is something that is so old it just feels normal and true.
Then, I remembered something someone once said to me, ‘sorry to tell you, you are not special and different’!
I was taken aback really, firstly because I did not know what they were talking about, and secondly because I truely believed I was. Not in an arrogant way, although later it can be seen I guess as arrogant, but because for me, nobody got me, apart from my Grandma I now realise, when I was growing up. She never told me, but she did things, little things, that somehow made me feel safe on a very subtle level. Other than that I was always told I was crazy, that I was attention seeking and every-time I tried to connect I was shut down and told to get on with it. I longed for a warm embrace, someone to listen to me and just get me, someone who would say, when I asked them why they were late again and I had waited hours, sometimes days, that they are so sorry and how hard it must have been for me. Instead I got, what is your problem, get on with it, I am here now arn’t I!!
All this has contributed to me feeling very special and very different, and it is an awakening every day when someone gets me. I have to say though, I shut down, I shut myself down and now I am realising that when people don’t get me, it is not because I am wrong or bad or stupid or any of the other things, it is just because they don’t. However, others do!! This is a revelation for me.
I have truely believed that nobody would understand me, so I stopped telling anyone what was wrong, I stopped sharing my feelings and I stuffed them with whatever I could. I made choices based on my own experiences, of people not getting me or wanting to be there for me and help me. I am slowly changing, with the right people around me. I need a lot of loving and slow awakening to begin to come out of what has felt like a living hell. I think now it is one of the reasons I write, I have to get it out and it is so incredible when people tell me they get it.
So yes, I am special and different, but I am also begining to realise I am not alone. It can be said in a rather derogatory way,’ you are not special and different’, but actually, I believe that until we find like minded people and have the courage to share our stuff, we do not know. Growing up, feeling alone, not being understood and being around people who do not know how to help you, does, in my humble opinion contribute towards people, me, feeling very special and different. I left home feeling like if I told anyone my thoughts and ideas, they would laugh at me, so why would I tell anyone anything? Thank God this is changing.