It has taken me almost a week to process the information from the session on Tuesday. We discussed Filters, which somehow put so much into context for me. I have talked about it, thought about it, made a video talking about it and yet, the understanding still seems to come and go. When it comes back, it feels like I have learnt it all over for the very first time. In summary, filters are our view of the world, based on our childhood and earliest experiences, that is what the world is. It seems to be that the level of negative experience in early childhood has a far more reaching impact on our lives than I first knew.
The last week has felt like a great big metal ball on a chain swing, rather like they use in demolition of buildings, has come along and smashed down a great big thick brick wall inside my head, from the inside out. I am on the inside of the wall, in the corner wondering what the hell is going to happen next. I feel more vulnerable than I have been in a very very long time. I am having to put one foot very slowly in front of the other and my response to things is very very slow………………for the first time ever……….I just don’t know. I really do not know and it is scary and exciting all at once. It feels like I have just woken up to be told that everything I have ever known is not at all as it is, that actually it is anything and that my view of the world is all it is, my view, and that where that has come from is why it is my view!
Really realising that all my reactions are down to childhood abandonment and very early levels of trauma is a huge amount to take in. I am grateful for this opportunity to do the STEEPS programme, and I am begining to see what the great teachers talk about when they say, change the way you think and you will change your life…………..!!
The video below is one I made on this subject, it really does take time to get to grips with all of this stuff