What a ride……….I have not been able to write for a couple of weeks due to the overwhelming feelings that have come up with this realization. I feel like I have had a psychic shift so huge and it is taking me a long time to reformulate, my life will never ever be the same again…….I feel like the Iceberg that has had it’s head poked above the water for years and years, but it is only tip, and now, it has crashed, no more iceberg………… it is all reforming………….it is quite an incredible state to be in and I am actually grateful, painful as it is.
I feel like I have been staring at a jigsaw puzzle with a thousand little pieces and no box to match them to, no idea where the pieces go and now, I am slowly getting the completed picture to follow, bit by tiny bit, as I put the pieces of my fragmented mind together. It will take time, and that is OK, I will give it time.
I have made the decision to put a hold on the Social Enterprise I have been working on, as the person who really needs my help right now is me. Painful as this decision has been, it is the best thing I can do, if I cannot be there for myself, how the hell can I be there for anyone else. It has all come as a huge shock to me, and I am still processing all the ramifications of what this all means. It is not the diagnosis that has rocked my world, it is the realization that the way I have seen the world is due to the level of abuse that happened to me, and that I now need to heal.
I have also made the decision to leave the STEPPS group with the advise of my psychologist and therapist, for me, it was not working. I think the information is amazing and really helpful, but I needed support along side the group on a regular basis and this was not available due to lack of funding on the NHS, it is patchy and that is the way it is, but it doesn’t help me. Many of the people who are on it are doing really well apparently, but for me, I needed something different.
I will not give up my search and will always be grateful to have finally seen that there is a clear reason for me being the way I am and that I am not actually the cause, I have been reacting to what happened to me……….this is not blame, it is just fact.
If I am not around for a while, it is because I am taking it slowly and will be here when I can and when I have revelations to share. Thank you for all the amazing support I have had since doing this series of blogs, I have so appreciated it and it is so supportive for me.