Writings for my Mother

Day 14.

Tick by tick, drip by drip our life unfolds

It unravels before my very eyes and I am left here, starting at you, wondering why?

I reach to touch your hand, it feels so odd and I don’t understand, but I have never held it.

I go to stroke your hair and hope to God you are still there, and I am left cold.

Some days I am numb, some days I am warm, some days I can barely cope with the pain.

The pain that I may never see you again, the pain that you will never hold me, and the pain that in-spite of all this, I still have hope.

The pain that for the past year I have challenged you, cried in front of you and begged you to show me you care.

I counted the days, one by one, to see how long it was before you called.

My therapist told me to let you go, that you would never come through for me,

Somehow, I could not.

I never gave up on the fact, that one day, just one day, I may get a glimpse of love, a shard of light that actually you care.

The little girl inside of me, is still screaming out for her mummy, and I am so happy that finally she has a voice.  She is still there and no longer hidden behind the perspects wall when all she could do was stare.

Why have I allowed you to cause me so much pain, I came back over and over again, I am told to walk away more times than I can say, but you are my mother.

And so I wait. I wait to see if you live or die, I wait and see that now I can cry, I wait and see what happens next and I wait as I slowly let you go.

You have caused me so much pain, you have told me over and over again how crap I am, and very sadly I believed you.

I slowly grieve the loss of you and whatever happens, either way, I now know I have to walk away.

I have to leave all the shit behind, I have to let go of all the bad things you put in my mind, and walk into my life either way.

You will always be who you are, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot change you. The biggest lessons of my life are staring me in the face, I choose to be me and I choose to be free.

I wish you well and I hope you come through, I thank you for all you did for me, when you were you.

Thank you for giving me life.

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