Thank you for visiting the site of ‘Ifs, Buts and Maybes’.
About the Author.
I have had a passion for writing for many years and been avidly putting my feelings and dreams, life experience and thoughts on paper for most of my life, it was a way for me to release what was in my head to not feel so alone and distressed, it was the voice I had lost speaking out for a long time.
I had the priviledge of realising my dream of going to film school, in 1993. I went as a mature student, inspired by a friend of mine who died of Aids in 1990. I went on to win a fuji scholarship for Producing in my second year and in my third made a film which was sent to film festivals and taken up by the British Council, but all was not well and I ended up in the doctors with her asking me some pretty frank questions and my life went into free-fall. My drinking got out of control, my eating went all over the place and my relationship history began to look pretty bleak. I needed help.
I began frantically writing out my thoughts because I did not know how to connect with my feelings, the only time I got remotely close was two thirds of the way down a bottle of very cheap red wine……….and when REM sang everybody hurts and everybody cries I found myself asking how, I was numb, and I was desperate.
This blog book is about my journey into recovery from a place of bewilderment and an absolute lack of understanding of what was happening to me and why………..I am still taking baby steps but I am closer in understanding than ever before and that is because some very kind people have gone out of their way to help me and through a lot of adversity.
I have a faith now which I never had before, the God word was a sure way to get me running in the opposite direction, now I am building a relationship, slowly, with a God of my understanding. Trusting has never been something I did, and still isn’t to a large extent, but I am learning it takes two and it takes time. It takes the kindness of someone to go out of their way to see me,to come walk along side me and slowly help me out of a living hell and for this I am truely grateful.
I am grateful to my son, who through it all has shown me love, and who has taught me the real meaning of unconditional love and who respects me because he says that eventhough I had problems he always knew he was loved and I was always there for him, so I am not to beat myself up………what more could I ask for.
I hope you will stay with me as I slowly reveal my story and please feel free to leave me a comment.