Saturday was a very helpful day. I went to meet some friends and ended up crying my eyes out, I feel in so much pain. I have been trying to help one of my brothers who is homeless and he has been staying here. We row and clash and it has been really difficult, neither of us is strong enough to help the other and I had to ask him to leave. Now he is on the streets somewhere, hopefully he has called a friend and I feel so bad. I know I needn’t and I will get over it. My role has always been care giver, and I am struggling enough myself at the moment. I never understood what people meant when they would tell me that he was not good for me to have around. I tried and tried and it has cost me. I am not yet capable of distancing myself, I find it hard to hold myself in his company and to not allow our way of communicating to drag me down. He was asked to leave a homeless shelter for being aggressive, I find that a bit strange, at 11pm for a man to be kicked out and asked if he would like a blanket. He says he was distressed, and I believe him.
It has all shown me the dysfunction of our childhood, our inability to communicate and our inability to be able to put ourselves aside. I was having a real problem with him because our pattern of behaviour is so ingrained and I find it really hard to be around now. I don’t want to be spoken to in a certain way, I was totally unaware of it before, I just knew I felt like shit, but not knowing why. It is subtle and when asked he would deny it, but the family dynamic set up so many many years ago is a hard one to break and I am not able to be around it for very long before I begin to feel damamged all over again. I feel very sad about it, nobody does anything on purpose and I am certainly not blameless.
I spoke with a friend earlier who told me of another friend who had fallen out with her good friend over a similar thing, when two people are in a bad way it is impossible for either to help the other. Add to that a dynamic that has never been looked at really and it can be a disaster. I was really hoping for some resolution but it will not be happening anytime soon.
We have both been diagnosed with something, depression, bi-polar? who knows what and how the hell are we supposed to help each other. Coupled with that, I am living on Housing Benefit at the moment and Income Support while I try and get myself help and I am not allowed anyone to stay with me for more than 6 days, so that puts added pressure on the whole situation.
I just wanted to write an up-to-date, current part of the book today, it felt the most pressing thing to do. Sometimes sharing in the moment is a good thing, it is part of my story. I have realised some pretty impressive things about our family which answer a few questions. Realising that both our parents were completely inappropriate with regards to sex is something I have always known, but to have it confirmed is a real relief.
Sadly our mother is still a drinking alcoholic, she apparently thinks it is totally acceptable to discuss shagging our father with her grandchildren, my father used to use his position at the airport as a casting couch for air hostesses and on the stories go, no wonder there were no boundaries in our childhood. As one of my brothers said what makes her think that is ok, discussing it with your grandchildren or children for that matter. Yuck yuck yuck, I am so glad it is all coming to a head, that we are all begining to see the real dysfunction and standing up to it too. I know it has affected me, I can only speak for myself, I just have to make sure I hold onto my truth and work through it.
On a lighter note,I have met someone who has told me about an editor, apparently she charges £1,000 and that is cheap, to get this book edited and then into a place to be put onto the web, so I am praying for a grand or another editor to come along who is not so expensive and has a track record. It is all coming along and I know it will happen, it is.