Breaking Free-August 2010

I wanted to share with you one of the most beautiful letters I have ever received, from a friend of mine I had not seen for 30 years and who suddenly found me since I have been writing this blog. I am so sad and grateful all at the sametime. I know things will get better, it is so difficult to get perspective when you are so locked into pain, I had no idea what was wrong with me, always the party girl, wild and nothing was too much. Several of my very close friends have found it so hard when they found out the full extent of my problems,

I had no way of telling them before, I was so shut down, they would have helped me if I had asked, but as my therapist said yesterday, when a baby cries and does not get it’s needs met, it eventually stops crying and shuts down, becomes independent and has no expectation of having them met. I feel I have lived a double life in my head and I am so glad to be breaking free, brick by tiny brick.

Good Morning Pen,

It was good to talk with you last night if only for a short while. I’m glad you are working through things. I do admire your strength & determination. Please don’t take this the wrong way as I might not be explaining myself as I’m writing this. I really do feel for you & at times struggle to find the right words to say. I remember you as that youthful young girl of 15 then becoming that beautiful young lady, always with that sunshine smile. You seemed to be having a ball in Oxford & partying it hard in the East End. You were on top of your game, if you know what I mean. Little did I know that maybe if I thought of engaging you in a serious conversation you may have told me that inside you were really in turmoil. But hey we were young then & I guess these sort of things were too deep to confront & maybe it was part of growing up & it would all disappear with time.

Does that all make sense?? Anyway I find it hard to believe that my lovely mate Penny is in the situation that you find yourself to be in. I can’t promise you any financial support (though taking you out for a meal & stocking up your cupboards from time to time is possible). I will always be here for you if ever you want to off-load, scream at someone, punch me on the arm or just want a cuddle. I like the sound of the last one!!!! I do understand when you say you wish you had more family support.

It was the opposite for me when my marriage broke down & I had to bring up my son on my own from the age of two. My mum, dad & brother were very supportive as they helped me cope with being a single parent & also letting me be a single male adult enabling me to go out with my mates. I had the best of both worlds!!! So now knowing that, without that support I would have found myself in a lot of trouble & hardship. I hope we can get together soon so that you can meet my wife. We are hoping to have a BBQ sometime, weather permitting so maybe you will be able to come over & stay overnight if you want to.

Love

Fortunately one of my brothers did help me recently, but that came with an ‘as long as this is a one off payment’ and a friend helps me,for which I am truely grateful. A friend said to me this morning, ‘you are battling with a debilitating mental illness and you need all the love and support you can get’. I am not used to being loved and supported, when I needed help my family actually shamed me, they did not help me one little bit and for that I am working on forgiving them.

My mother did help me not to go into a single-parent hostle but that was more to do with her than me.’No daughter of mine is going into a single-parent hostel’. When I told them about not knowing who my son’s father was I had abuse hurled at me and still do, little sarcastic remarks about paternity thrown into the mix. I am done with it, I am walking away knowing that there is love and support out there for me, I just did not know what it looked like. The person who loves me unconditionally and showed me support was my son, he never judged me and he had every reason to.

The losses to both my son and I are intangible, what would it have been like to have been helped and supported in a loving way, the world would be a very different place. I am working through the anger and grief, and they say everything happens for a reason, lets see what happens next.

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