Touching My Own Void (cont-2)

The next day I went to my therapists and could barely wait to get through the door to tell her.  I had realised that I have to change, staying the same is too painful for me and really it is not an option.  I did another thing which was interesting, I decided to dress up, with a hat, which I love to wear.  As I put it on in the car, I realised I felt very uncomfotable and did not know why.  the it came to me ‘who the hell do you think you are, what do you think you look like?’ I know in the past I would have taken it off, but not today, I defiantly put it on and said ‘fuck you’ to the voices inside my head that kick into action the moment I try and look good. ‘Here she goes again, attention seeking, trying to look lovely, blah, blah, blah, blah’ and on they go, I call them the committee.  Is it any wonder I barely got out of bed? Should I breath in or out now, just so you fuckers stop critising me, the fact that I have the audacity to get up, breath in and out pisses them off, they begin the moment I become conscious, sometimes even before I have opened my eyes, they are in for attack………..So today, I choose to wear a hat and take a deep breath. T

I was nervous as I anticipated some judgement from my therapist, of course.  I then reminded myself that she celebrates me, I had to talk myself down from feeling so sick inside with nerves.  I rang her doorbell and she opened it, she looked lovely, as always.  Hair brushed, lovely clothes and make-up.  I sat down and looked at her and said ‘ I have to tell you this, you look lovely and I have dressed up today, I am expecting you to be horrible and I decided to risk it anyway’……her face lit upas she said I am so glad you did, you look lovely too, so we both look lovely I said, it is very uncomfortable for me at the moment.  It used to be you who looked lovely and I look like shit………you look lovely and so do I, how cool is that!  I realised three and then that whenever I have displayed my creative dress sense I had been critised, by my mother or my step-mother or my older sister and some other woman to be honest and it terrified me, but not anymore, I have become aware and it starts now.  It is ok, I am allowed to look lovely too and you are not going to shout at me, put me down, wow.

She then began to smile and I asked her what se was smiling at…’I am smiling as I am so enjoying watching you grow’. I really did not know what to do with that!  We went on to talk about the fact that I too can have lovely things.  I no longer have to be Cinderella.  It runs so deep, they put me down, got me out of the way, I lived away, banished to poverty and now I am on my way back up, I am so grateful.

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