Touching my own Void – January 2006 (1)

I came home from my therapists and I was due  to have a meeting on the phone with my writing coach.  I was exhausted and decided to allow myself to sleep, that was new for me, normally I would force myself to stay awake.  I went to bed and set my alarm and had the most incredible dream.

The film ‘Touching The Void’ had such a huge impact on me but I had not understood why.  In the film I always preferred the bloke who actually ended up in the Void, the other one who cut the rope seemed to me not as real as the other and the bloke who joined them I thought was a bit wierd. He did not like the one who fell into the Void very much which I found very interesting by the end of the film.  I always struggled with the fact that the bloke actually cut the rope, in my opinion I think he should have gone too, but that is just me.  I was not there so it is hard to imagine what he was going through and also the survival instinct must kick in.

All of a sudden in my dream I became the one who had the rope cut on him.  I was hanging from a cliff watching the rope fray as I moved just a little and all of a sudden, a pair of huge scissors came and cut the rope and I fell, I let go and fell into the abyss, and was left for dead as he was.  I have felt this about a lot of my life, I was left for dead.  A few came but slowly they left and the darkness of my mind got worse and worse.  People of my past had no idea what was going on for me and thought I had just moved on, little did they know I was desperately trying to hold it together and climb back from the hole I had found myself in and somehow, I could not ask for help, I felt so alone, even when there were people around me, I could not tell them how it was in my head.

During my session with my therapist she said ‘you have been the poor relation for most of your life and this is a real Cinderella story’.  As I left her and walked down the road I thought ‘If I am Cinderella, then who are you, my fairy Godmother?’.  The symbolism in my dream of me climbing throught he ice and struggling to survive became more and more real, I was fighting for my life.  As I finally came out the person at the entrance was my therapist, with a wand, and behind the ice prison was her house and that is where the rope was cut and here she was standing in front of me, a few feet away with her wand greeting me and saying it is ok.

There was a group of people in a party waiting to greet me, the people who could have been there but who were not, I just walked past them as they tried to celebrate me back.  In the film the man went on to write about this experience and make a film and I am doing the same.  A few days later in my house I found a piece of paper written in 1998 saying ‘let go of the frayed rope, just let go and let God’, it is incredible it has taken me so long, but I guess that is how numb and how frozen I have been, and am still thawing.  I am working my way through the void and for the first time ever, I can see the entrance, the way out, it is a way off yet, merely a slit in the ice, a light shaft and I am making my way towards it, I am almost home, home to myself, as I piece the fragmented parts of my soul together, life is beginning to make sense for the very first time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *