During 2006, I was fortunate enough to have stumbled across Marilyn Horowitz. I had been praying for someone to help me get started with my book and it is so wierd to think this was six years ago. I have had a lot more to do before I was ready to write and now is the time.
I was trawling the internet and looked at Women in Film and Television and there she was, so I clicked, thought why not, and so began a relationship that helped me to develop my writing and give me more and more confidence and although it has not been the right time for the book, I have not stopped writing and have been able to express myself more and more.
Marilyn certainly got me started and I am really glad I had the courage to click the email send button and once a month speak to her and go away and write my tasks and then send them and so it went on.
The following was one of the first pieces of work we did, entitled ‘How I got so f…… up
There was room to explore everything and that is one of Mailyns greatest talents in my opinion, she journeys with you, I needed that and still do. It helped me expand, grow and explore slowly. I will always be so grateful to have met her and to still know her.
How I got so f….. up
As I lay opposite my therapist staring her in the face, it was becoming clear, the world has been a very scary place for me, my entire life. I am terrified to open my mouth and tell her how I really feel about the next stage of our relationship, the deeper we go, the more scared I become, I am still not completely sure why. Imagine a child having four primary care takers by the age of 9 months. According to Erickson’s stages of development one has to work bloody hard to get it right. I have never felt safe, never imagine anyone can see me or thinks of me, when I leave the room, nobody is there. It is the lonliest and scariest place in the world and, until now, I thought that was totally normal and could not understand what it felt like to be safe. To feel secure and know that someone loved you and would not leave you, everyone always left and when they did, they never came back. I have lived in a constant state of trauma and anxiety and have always found it so hard to make connectins with anyone. I wonder if it had something to do with the fact that at the age of four and a half months old my parents left me with her step-mother, a woman who she hated and went on a cruise for five weeks.
I have some body memory and flashback feelings of a baby in a cot, crying, nobody coming and being cold and numb…….my head goes into a frozen place when I get scared and I do not come out of it for ages. It feels like nobody is there and nobody exists at all, it still happens now.
As I woke yesterday morning I had a picture of me lying on the ground, tiny and bright, pushing back a huge black cloud as it moved toward me to try and squash me, I was pushing it up with all my might and arms stretched out screaming no, no, and pushing what felt like a ton of concrete away from me, I felt like I was fighting for my life, my emotional life……………