Category Archives: Addictions

Post Natal Depression and the 4children charity

Thank goodness, it is finally being talked about openly and making news headlines, the real numbers behind post natal depression.

According to the 4 children charity ‘suffering in silence’ research paper, the number of women who don’t realise they have it is 29%; the number who are too scared to tell anyone is 33% and the number who don’t think their symptoms are serious enough is 60%…..wow!

I didn’t know what was wrong with me 26 years ago when I had my son, all I knew was that I thought everyone was going to steal him away, that people would climb up drain pipes or wysteria and break into my house to steal him and I did not tell anyone, because I thought it was real.

It has taken me 26 years to really break my silence because I felt so bad about what I did.  I actually took my son away from his father, lied to him and everyone else because I thought he was going to steal him, so I left the country to get away so no-one would come and get him.

I wish to God I had told someone how I was feeling and the chances are, I may have got help, but how can you when you believe what you are thinking is real?  One of my friends said she thought I was depressed when she visited me,  because I had not got dressed for days and was just with my baby and not doing anything else really, not for a good few months.  I had shut down and put on a really good act whenever the health visitor came to see me.

Looking back now, I know it started in the hospital because I could not have my baby out of my sight and I thought the midwives were going to take him away from me.  Then it came to being at my friends house, shutting all the windows upstairs, convinced that ‘they’ were coming to get him, were going to climb up the drain pipes outside the bedroom window or the wysteria and no matter what she said, I had to have the windows shut.

I have since been told that this was a form of psychosis, and it has taken me years of therapy, years of searching for the truth to put the pieces of my shattered mind together, it has been a living hell. I am currently writing my autobiography which you can find excerpts of at http://www.ifsbutsandmaybes.com

I urge anyone who thinks they may have post natal depression to seek help before it is too late.  I lost almost everything because of the state of my mind and I used alcohol to shut my head up. I am now in recovery from alcohol dependency, and have been told that it is quite common for women to use alcohol with post natal depression, which is a relief in many ways.  I hope by speaking out and joining the desire to raise awareness that things will change around the stigma of such a crippling illness.  Thank you to the 4children charity for bringing this to light

Middle Classes could be forced to live on the Streets……….according to the Mail online

Wow, I remember something similar years ago now, when the madness of increasing the interest rates, forcing people out of their homes into shelters or to council offices to find housing, only to be put up in another house and be paid far more than the mortage of their old house to stay there………………what!!! It is insane how this works.  This article is facinating. For some reason it is not ok for the Housing Benefit to pay your mortage, but ok for it to pay someone else’s…………how does that work?

The thinking is madness. I am a simple person and sometimes I think that is good, things are not so complicated and it just does not make sense. If someone has a breakdown for example, they can loose their job, then their home, their family everything, then what? Things need to change. Ordinary people, people loose jobs, loose homes, loose everything and then they are treated like shit, instead of sympathy, love and support, compassion to help them along the way.  Very few people actually want to be in the situation, the resources are stretched and surely it would make sense to sort it out at the level of the interest rates? It is not rocket science.

I know from personal experience the horrors of loosing everything and how that erodes the soul, well it did mine, and trying to get out and up again is a battle on a daily basis and one that some just are not capable to take on.

Help the Homeless

They say that most people are only two pay checks away from being homeless, maybe it would have been good to mentioned that when the Estate Agent looked down her nose at me after I said I was on Housing Benefit!

I did not have a deposit,so therefore my choices were limited to what the housing benefit either had or would pay for and believe me there was nothing around that was habitable. I could only rent a place for one now my son was old enough to leave home, the devastation of this was too much for me. I could not help but wonder what the hell had happened to the young girl, the me who brought her own flat in Fulham and if it had gone the other way would have been mortage free by now! I slowly began to collapse emotionally, not able to pack, unable to function and looking at places that were so disgusting, cold, damp, dark and stark reminders of how far down the social strata I had gone.

This all began  two years ago today when I was given notice to quit a home I had lived in for 9 years.  I was living on welfare, my mental health was at an all time low and I was struggling to pay the bills.  My son and I were selling what we could on e-bay to cover the basic costs of things and I remember one day, he was offered an opportunity in London and we just managed to get him there by me selling a watch and a friend giving us some money.

After two weeks of him being on work experience, sleeping on a friends floor and barely able to afford the train fare to make the most of this internship he was offered, which was unpaid, I had no money to buy milk and sugar for him when he arrived home.  As I sat there counting the coppers I had found around the house to go and buy some milk, a friend rang, saying she felt she needed to ring me, I told her what the problem was and she said get over here and I will help you.  Fortunately I still had enough petrol in my car to get to her house.  She handed me an envelope with £200.00 pounds in it and that helped us through the next few weeks and helped my son get back to London to work for another week to help get him into the career he was desperate to follow.

A few months before this time, a friend had suggested I saw her husband for accupuncture, it was not long before he said my body was so damp and asked if I living in a damp house? I was.  The windows were rotten, the heating was costing me a fortune which I did not have, it was impossible to get warm and it was quite possibly, according to him, a contributing factor to my depression. I had been suffering from mental health issues for a long time and they were getting worse and worse, mainly due to the facts I was now having to face, but the housing environment was not helping, clearly. I had also been signed off sick, long term after a rather ardeous interview at the benefits office to prove I was unfit to work on mental health ground. It never ceases to amaze me that people still think that benefits are handed out on a silver plate!

After the accupuncture assessment my friend and her husband both suggested I got the environmental health people in, which I did. She could not find damp, which is interesting, but she said the landlord would have to fix the windows and the electricity if the council were to continue to pay the rent…………….wow!  So, we were given 2 months notice. Not long before this I had been noticing running noises up in the atic, so we got the pest control man in…………we had rats, and lots of them, it was disgusting.

You sometimes have to crack eggs to make an omlette and that is exactly what was going on in our lives.  For the next two months we had nowhere to live. It was terrifying and it looked pretty bleak. Housing Benefit will only give a deposit up to their amount that they pay, and as there were no properties around for that amount that were habitable, it left me in a very difficult place, until a very dear friend offered to help, two weeks before our deadline.

It was like all my prayers were answered at once, and believe me, I had been praying day and night for God to intervene. She helped with my son’s move to London, she helped me with my deposit and helps with the difference between what housing benefit pay per month as there is always a short fall. It is incredible what the love of a good friend can do to change your life and I am grateful everyday to have her.

When it comes to living on welfare and housing benefit, what people maybe don’t realise is that housing benefit is paid every two weeks and that is it spread over 13 months for some reason, so there is always a deficiet each month.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to have it but it is not the walk in the park and the easy option for the majority of people who receive it as people make out. In my humble opinion, there needs to be an easier way to pay it because it leaves people in debt all the time and most landlords do not want to be renting to people on benefits, possibly for this very reason

I had one of those Pretty Woman moments when I walked into the estate, suddenly my life had changed and I had choice, and guess what, a wonderful home appeared, somewhere that I have driven past for years thinking it is the most beautiful house I have ever seen and I would love to live there, I am.  The landlords don’t see people on welfare as less than them, they see me as people who need some help and support, what a total relief.

I really believe that it is the class system, the snobbish attitude that is really causing so many of the problems around homelessness. I was spoken to like a piece of shit by the people at the benefits office, the housing office even forgot to put my claim across,as I switched from boroughs, which almost lost me the house, thank God I checked it and I managed to get a friend to guarantee my rent for a year should I default. All that before I could get somewhere to live.

I do hope that anyone reading this will pass it on to anyone they know who maybe could do with a re-think and if you know an estate agent, let them know!! There was only one that helped me in Guildford, and I will always be grateful to them and to my landlords who are so human and believe that everyone deserves a chance. I feel so blessed to have met them and that I was given a break. I felt so shit about myself because of what our life had become, and it is all now helping me to grow and to feel human again, we all need love and support.

I have made a video about that time, including my struggles with domestic abuse, which you can find at http://www.youtube.com/addicts4addicts

David Hasselhoff on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories

Thank you so much to David Hasselhoff for being so real and honest during his interview last night, what an absolute star.

I wanted to share this with anyone who did not see it, it will only be online until the begining of June, it is so worth a watch.  His mix of humility and ego is, as Piers describes complex, but in my mind facinating and so engaging, I have never really been a fan, but after watching this interview I have to say, I am now.

What really stuck me was his rise from his rock bottom and how he so gracefully described this experience, his journey in recovery is so visible, he has come back from the abyss and all credit to him, after public humiliation, he has taken up the challenge and look at the results, what an inspiration.  Anyone who is having a hard time or feels like maybe it won’t get any better, take a look at this public fall from grace and then how his recovery has given him his life back, and some.  Congratulations David and thank you so much for showing us your true self.

I know for me, some days I think will it really happen, will I make it?  Watching this inspires me to keep going, sometimes we all need that and it is brilliant to see this new man on the show, how honesty and being you is the way to freedom, true humility and vulnerability is the key. Amazing, hope you enjoy this as much as I did and do.

Neil Morrissey – Care Home Kid

I was fortunate enough to catch this moving and for me, heart wrenching account of Neil Morrissey’s life. I always had a soft spot for him, there is something about him that I identified with and now I know what.  He spent a lot of his life lost,  bewildered and not feeling like he belonged.  He put on a great front, was a way-ward person, has abandonment issues and has had a sting of relationships,  deep inside he was troubled.  Now we see the softer, gentler side of a man, who for so long has been haunted by his past.

I spent my life feeling lost, but not knowing that is what it was, it is only now that I am begining to put the pieces together and realising that I never felt really like I belonged. When I did, it didn’t last for long, someone always came along and took it away.  My mother left when I was 3 and a half, but long before that I had been seperated from her she had to work long hours and I had one nanny after another, four in total before I was 9 months old and it had a huge impact on my life and my feeling of belonging and connection, lack of it. My father was married 6 times and my mother was the second wife so I had a succession of step-mothers to contend with.

I felt, and still do sometimes bewildered and just put on a brave front and get on with it, that is getting less and less now and the reality of it all is hitting me, which I am finding pretty painful right now.  Like Neil I was rebellious, had families I went to, to help me through. I have no real connection to my family now, and I still do feel very lost sometimes. There is so much unresolved crap that most of them don’t want to talk about that we just end up in our own little corners, doing our own thing, which I think is pretty sad.

Fortunately I have a son who I am close to and so we are begining again, which I am so grateful for.  The pain and yearning in me is still there for my mother and a family that will be all together, but it is something I have to let go, as painful as it is. I also realise that we are building it for ourselves. That is a great thing to have.

In this moving two part documentary Neil Morrissey explores the reason behind why he was put into care at ten years old because of stealing and how that has effected his entire life.  He visits prison, where 60% of the in-mates in the wing for young offenders have been in care.  He talks to people who were in care and who still are in care and explores the horror stories of abuse that still haunt people’s lives 40 years later.

Neil describes how the way he coped with the situation of suddenly being taken from his family was he just got on with it and was never really encouraged to discuss his feelings, never explored what was going on for him, and that is how he has lived his life.  On visiting a children’s home in Scotland, Lothian Villa, Neil finds a supportive environment for children in care, a far cry from most of the ones he is visiting and hearing about. The way they help people at Lothian Villa is to encourage the children to deal with their feelings of ingrained hurt, anger and distress so that they will no longer remain mad with the world, because they will unless the feelings are dealt with. He credits a lot of his fortunate experience in the children’s home to a house mother who was loving, firm and kind. However he did not learn to deal with his feelings, he says he ignored difficult feelings and made the best of it. He was one of the lucky ones by all accounts.

Most of the people he interviewed and indeed himself came to the conclusion that being in care had, in one way or another, had a devastating impact on their lives.  Neil was put into care because his parents did not properly care for their children and he was caught stealing on a regular basis and he and his brothers were left to run wild, with few boundaries and were often left alone to fend for themselves at night with no parents there for them. How his mother could barely cope with the housework and how his father spent time at the working man’s club because his home was so dirty.

The people who suffer are the children, one way or another, from neglect, abuse or just that feeling of being unloved and without love and support it is so hard to make it in the world.  I was a single-parent and often found it hard to cope, it was very hard. We lived on welfare and I was terrified to ask for help because I always thought that they would take my child away, because that is generally what they did if you were not coping as a single-parent.  I knew that there were many women out there who were also not coping being a mother but they had husbands and family to support them, I did not.

I struggled on and it was only when I finished my degree I felt less vulnerable, for some reason I thought that if I was a single parent with an education they would look more favourably on me.  Little did I know, I had depression which I was self medicating with alcohol, I had a mental illness which was at this point un-diagnosed and it was of course effecting me and how I was parenting.  I was desperate for help.  I now have such a clear insight into so many of the problems, people need love, support and encouragement, not punitive treatment, if parents are not coping they need support to help them cope.  Taking children away from their family and their parents can leave long term damage and worse. If we were to look at things differently and support instead of punish struggling parents, we would be supporting the parents and the children and healing lives. I stongly believe that if you support the parents, you support the child, it is not rocket science.

Recently I spoke with two friends of mine, one from Africa and another from Turkey, interestingly they could not get their heads around the concept of adoption or children’s homes, for them, they had a community and a family who would help out so that if the mother was not coping or on her own for whatever reason, they would all chip in.  It seems that this is a very British thing to do and it raises the question for me, why? Sadly I do not have the answer, but it is such a relief to know that this is as abnormal in other countries as it feels to me, it feels like an insane thing to even consider.

I read a great article by Andrew Mosley that about sums it up really, this is not the Neil Morrissey we have all come to know.  I have to say, I am so grateful to see this side of  him, it gives me hope. Hope that once you face the pain of your past you begin to heal. He has done a lot of good and spoken out for thousands of people who are still suffering, what a great way to use your fame.

He is also now in a committed relationship with his lawyer girlfriend Emma and says that he does not believe in dwelling on his past, and when he was in the children’s homes he always had a dream for a better life.  I personally believe we have to go back and face our pasts and the pain that is there in order to move on, I am in the process of doing that myself and am looking forward to the life the other side.

New Helpline for Binge Eaters Discussed on Loose Women

It was a brilliant show today, the topics covered were varied as usual and today there was the announcement of a new helpline for Binge Eaters called ‘Buzz About Binge’ set up by Pam Ojalae who believes that there needs to be more help for people who are going for fatty treats. I could not agree more.  I have tried to find the details for you but cannot find them anywhere, but I thought I would let you know that there is such a thing out there now and maybe the number will come up on google in the very near future, please let me know if you find it before I do.

kate Thornton was very courageous and disclosed that she herself has had an eating disorder and went on to explain the shame around not being able to share this horrendous illness for the feelings of disgust and how it is still not really talked about, good on her for being so open.  If you click on the link above you can see more of this discussion.

Thanks as always to the women on the panel for making it such an informative and fun programme and for being so willing to reveal themselves.

Domestic Abuse discussed on Loose Women 27/1/11

Should domestic violence cases just focus on the physical? On the show today the ladies are discussing domestic violence.

“Following a ruling yesterday by the country’s most senior judges, you will now not have to be physically attacked to be recognised as a victim of domestic violence. The Supreme Court has widened the definition of abusive relationships after ruling in favour of a woman who left her husband because he shouted at her and she was too scared to confront him. So her local council now has a duty to provide housing for her. This means there is now a legal precedent that domestic violence can now include psychological or emotional abuse”.

If you have been affected by domestic violence in any way and would like further information, please call one or both of the numbers below:

The Men’s Advice Line – 0808 801 0327

Refuge: 0808 2000 247

This discussion today was brilliant, all the women on the panel were so informative and Sherrie and Colleen were particularly insightful about the long-term effects of emotional/psychological abuse from childhood and the long lasting effects it can have on us as adults.

Coleen Nolan described how when she was growing up there was always shouting and it has taken her a long long time to stop flinching everytime her partner is angry.  Sherrie Hewson describes in great detail the effects that her abusive relationship had on her.  “In the end you do believe it is your fault and because you do you don’t tell people” It erodes the soul, as I have mentioned in previous writings on the subject.

People need help, families need help, these behaviours are passed on from one generation to another and it takes recognising you have a problem to get help. If you think it is normal, it is hard to know it is not, if that makes sense.  I am grateful on a daily basis that I am begining to heal from the effects it has all had on my and my son’s life.

One of the other things that was said on the show was that if women don’t ask for help it is very hard for a friend to interfere, it is, and when friends of mine were telling me it was abuse I had not idea what they were talking about. One thing Iwould say though, I am very glad they told me, it showed me they cared and I look back now and I am very grateful to the ones who did.

If you do have a friend in need, please tell her what you see, she may think it is normal to be treated like this. I know it is hard, but it so helped me, even though I did not like it at the time and I thought that my friends did not know him, how lovely he is really. It sowed a seed and I am beginging to see what they meant.

The other very important thing is that emotional/domestic abuse is also between parents and children, this is called child abuse and the child so often then grows up expecting to be treated like this, we have to stop the cycle.

This is a very timely debate as due to Government cuts my Domestic Abuse outreach worker has had to stop seeing me, and because they can now only see very urgent cases, those who are actually in the relationship and in physical danger here and now. The follow up has to be done by phone.  What is happening out there?  I have been seeing her for 3 years to help with the impact of the emotional abuse I suffered, it is slowly getting better and I am slowly begining to see the light, some days are better than others.  The waiting list at the NHS therapy services is a good 5 months on average and then they are not trained in specific Domestic Abuse psychology. It takes a long long time to un-pick the patterns of a life-time and when you do get to see somone you are very often only offered six sessions!  I hope that awareness is continued to be raised.

If you need help or know someone who does need help call

Women’s Aid Same number as above 0808 2000 247

4 Years Sober – One Day At A Time

It has been a huge milestone for me to reach this goal, the first time I achieved four years sobriety was in 2002, it wasn’t long before it all went horribly wrong and I decided that just one drink would be ok, it took me almost four years to get myself together enough to stop again.

During that time, my life fell into free fall and it was literally a living hell.  I look back on that time as the time when I almost lost my mental health and was on the brink of emotional death. I looked at myself in the mirror and I no longer recognised the person looking back at me, I was almost gone.  We were in a living nightmare with family issues and I just could not cope, my support system had been wiped from under my feet and I fell into the abyss.

One thing I had not really been aware of until this time were the underlying addictions that were waiting to raise their ugly heads, food, love and destructive relationsips, co-dependency and a childhood trauma buried so deep it took this time to really bring it to it’s head, I had not known just how bad it was until now.  I had talked about it and talked about it, but I had not really felt it or seen it in it’s full flow until now.  Having a relationship with someone who was so unavailable, so unwell showed me that there was something very very wrong with me.  Most people would have walked away and not put up with it, I did not know what they were talking about, to me it felt like home.  I also had to face myself and my behaviours from my youth which took me to a place I could not understand.

I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t and and everytime I made an excuse, began to think that all the people in recovery were boring and on the dilusion went, until one day, New Year’s Eve, 5 Years ago, I set myself up, asked some friends to bring champagne over and they only brought one bottle, I was the only one who had 3 glasses and their faces were horrified as I had tried to stop drinking for a good six months before then, it was that moment, when I could not stop, I would have necked a whole crate if there was one, I realised I had a real problem and I had to stop.  Thank God, one day at a time, I have.

The last four years have been full of distress, anguish and realisations that I am not just an Alcohlolic, I am an Addict, I can be addicted to anything to help me escape my feelings.  I am now learning to challenge them, to speak my truth and what is brilliant is that I am now getting people around me who are willing to be available for me, and that has made all the difference.

There are still plenty of things to sort through but instead of stuffing my feelings and building one resentment on top of the other, I speak it out and I am heard and mostly understood, which is very very new for me.

I have to deal with the underlying trauma of my childhood which still rears it’s ugly head, I still think that everyone is going to leave me, no matter what which is a very lonely place to be, but it is getting better.  When I share my pain, with safe people, I can often see the insanity of it, and eventually it becomes healing.  For some people in recovery, they do not have this extra burden, but for those of us that do, there is hope, with the right support and love we have a chance.  It feels to me like I am waking from a dream, and my feelings are coming to life, there is an untold amount of grief to face and with that will come a new life, I have amends to make, and I will.  I am finally able to face my pain because I am not being judged for it, not being shamed for it, not rejected for it.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me over the last few years.     

Happy New Year, Love Penny

The Freedom Programme – Free from Domestic Abuse

I wanted to talk about my last few weeks, spent learning more and more about Domestic Abuse.  I have had experience of both physical and emotional/psychological abuse from childhood and guess what………I took it into my adult life and chose partners who would replicate my younger experiences.  It has taken me so long to make the connection and finally to get the help from a Domestic Abuse Outreach worker who very lovingly and slowly introduced me to what was normal and what was, infact, abuse, my normal.

It does not have to be physical abuse, it can be slow, emotional torture that can erode the soul, bit by tiny bit until you do not know who you are or what day it is or what is right or what is wrong, leaving you with no self esteem and rocking in the corner, that was almost me…….the scars of emotional abuse cut so deeply and erode the soul, this too is abuse, it is emotional abuse and it needs to stop.   Trouble is long after they have left, you are left with all their shit going round and round in your head, unable to break out of it, it becomes a living hell.

It has felt a bit like, actually a lot like re-programming and sometimes I still don’t get it, I have to have examples shown to me, little mini examples show again and again to really begin to get to grips with what is actually normal behaviour.  I have blamed myself, gone back again and again, believed whoever it was that it was all my fault and almost lost my mind.  It is programming and the earlier it happens, the more normal it feels.

The Freedom Programme is set out to slowly take you through the differences in all  aspects of Living with the Dominator is a book about The Freedom Programme that you can get on the website above, it is really insightful. Pat Craven has taken years of experience working in this field and turned it into a programme to help both men and women to break free from years of a cycle of abuse. Unfortunately I have acquired some of the really unpleasant characteristics and have had to have a good hard look at myself as well as looking at the men I have chosen, my relationship with my father, mother and step-mother to mention but a few.  I have been in therapy on and off for years, have had varying different support and still this stuff is so ingrained in my psyche, however, something is shifting.  In the book they also show you examples of what a good partner would do, a kind loving partner, not an unkind one, to me it has really helped me to see things differently and the patterns I have expected to just carry on.

I hope you will get something from it and if you do, please leave a message or e-mail me privately at penny@pennysnowball.com I look forward to hearing from you.

The rest of this video documentary series can be found at http://www.youtube.com/addicts4addicts

If you need support or advice the following details are very helpful.

South West Surrey Domestic Abuse Outreach Service 01483-577392 Mon-Fri

www.womensaid.org.uk and www.hiddenhurt.co.uk

The following books are apparently very good, I have not read any of them but they are available on Amazon or can be ordered in the local library if they do not have them.

Mothering through Domestic Violence; Talking to mum-ages 5-9yrs

Talking about Domestic Abuse – 9+ and When Dad hurts Mom.

I do hope something will help if you need it, I am so grateful for the day I approached the stand during Domestic Abuse week and said ‘can someone please tell me what normal is’.

Fear To Faith

The last few nights I have been lying awake worried about money, as I am not working at the moment due to my repeated breakdowns and  living on welfare and housing benefit, which I am very grateful for. Fortunately I also have some help from a friend and a brother, but it is rapidly disappearing and I panic.  Bills have gone up, petrol has increased and the cost of food has gone through the roof, without their support it would be impossible for me to survive. I have realised that this level of stress contributes to my depression and before I know it I am crippled with fear.

Coupled with this I am still waiting to see the Psychologist, it has been well over 2 months now.  I went to the doctors to ask about things and to see what could be done and was told that the waiting lists at the moment are very long.  For her to put me forward to the Horizon Center where people have long term therapy for abuse and trauma the list is about 6 months and for the CMHT it is similar.  For anyone to see a counsellor it can be up to 5 months and then it may just be 12 sessions……………in the meantime I am encouraged to take the antidepressants and wait.  Apparently they help with anxiety, which they are a bit it has to be said. If I also increase the dose they help more with the depression.  As a writer I am loathed to do this as I don’t want to feel so monged out I don’t feel anything anymore.

I woke up this morning and realised that the reverse of FEAR is FAITH, that it is vital for me to get back into a positve way of thinking, all will be well, it has been before and it will be again.  I am asking for help.  I am writing, I am in the process of organising a documentary to discuss the gaps in the support system and see what suggestions there are.  We are now shooting in 6 weeks due to various factors and I am applying for funding.

I get good days and bad days, and some days are better than others.  Because a friend is helping me I have been able to see a therapist privately who has reduced her rate so she can support me until I get to see the CMHT team, thank goodness I am because without this I would be in a real state. The cost of this is over £200.00 per month and it is rapidly eating into the support and again leads to my worry that I will not be able to stay with the therapist for very much longer.

I went for an assessment at RASAC (Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling) it took them over a month to be able to see me for an assessment,due to their lack of funding. When I did get one they said I would have to wait another 4 months before I could see a therapist and then, they would only be able to offer me 12 sessions to see if they could help me because they were not sure they were equipt to deal with all my issues.  I was so shocked by this, they wondered if I would need to be hospitalised again if they triggered too much………where does it end?

How am I going to get well? In the meantime, I wait.  The treatment center I have recently left said they could not even begin to deal with the trauma I have had, all they could possibly aim to do was to help me to be more contained.  I find it all really difficult to take in and so hard to hold myself somedays.  The lack of funding for people like me who need long term care is just not there.  I am hoping and praying that the funds will come and I, along with many others will begin to get the continued help we need.

In the meantime, I will practise moving from fear to faith and trust God knows what is going on. Thanks for listening.

Penny