Today has been a wierd and wonderful day……….full of ups and downs and confusion. It has been going on for a while now. When there is confusion for me there is generally something I am not looking at, not wanting to see and it is in those moments I need a good friend around me who is prepared to take the risk of telling me the truth.
The truth in this particular instance is that the lesson has been here a lot of times and what is it? I pondered most of the day and finally it hit me between the eyes, I cannot change anyone else and nor can I blame them for being who they are. My job, and here in lies the rub, is, I have to take care of myself…………..boundaries! Well if I don’t know what someone is talking about and what a boundary is how am I supposed to put one in place.
This is a long lesson and I am slowly learning it, it is painful, it is co-dependency in it’s full force and it is the route of all my addictions, not being able to take care of myself and not knowing how or what that means. So I end up being, or feeling put down, pushed down and not knowing how the hell to do anything about it.
The lesson has finally come home, I let them, whoever they are, same shit different smell I always say, doesn’t matter whether they are male, female, tall, short, whatever, there it is. Now I have to learn, to say no. No, that is not ok for me and stick with it, and if they are not ok with that, then I do not have to change and contort myself so they won’t leave me……………what is your name………….what do you want it to be? All that people-pleasing mania that almost took me to my grave is slowly changing.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be, with my history, my way of relating and it is all up for healing, to be investigated, not blamed and shamed as I know only too well……….and I was doing the same, only I did not know it.
I remember when I was just being me……..not doing anything to anyone and I was accused of all sorts of things that I was apparently doing to others, I took it all on board, blamed myself and changed my behaviour and a lot of my natural personality just because someone didn’t like me. I now look at that and feel very, very sad, it was their stuff and I had no idea I could have stood up to them, said sorry you feel that way………..I just did not know how to do it.
Thank goodness I am learning, a day at a time to look at myself, face my demons and take the time to stop and ask …….what is the lesson here and be prepared to change. Sadly I was and have been doing a lot of what was done to me, blaming others for treating me like crap, but I let them, just like those people who blamed me, they let me and I took it all on. I once heard a brilliant analagy of this about a public convenience, people want to dump their stuff, and will keep trying each door til one opens. I choose to be one that is no longer open………and they will just pass me by until someone lets them in.
What a day!