Boundaries and Recovery

I had a revelation this morning as I was waking up, that wonderful place between sleep and wake, I love it there, I seem to get a lot of insight when I am listening.

I had been dreaming about an old boyfriend, and saw his disrespect for me, something that for me at the time was perfectly normal. In the dream, we had arranged to meet up after a party where we both were and all of a sudden some friends of his had turned up and he said sorry I am going with them……..not would you like to come nothing, I was  just dropped.  Somehow I just accepted it, just like I had accepted it most of my life.  Even though I was so angry inside I did not have the words to say how I felt and this is not ok, and I realised in that moment, this is where my addictions come in.  It was a real moment for me.  I would stuff the anger with booze, food and then become passive aggressive and as a child this is when I would self harm, I had no words to say this is not ok for me, they were buried way deep inside and for some reason they still are to a large extent.

I am realising this behaviour is a huge part of my depression and my mental ill health, I had no way of really understanding how to deal with this. No words. My parents were pretty unreliable, my father was busy working and often away and anytime I challenged my mother on her lateness, which was most of the time, she would always put it back onto me, saying something like ‘I am here now, what is your problem’ and I would be left with it.  Now I see the problem is she never called to say she was late, she just turned up and that was supposed to be ok, now I am seeing it is not ok, but all this time I have thought it was me and I have chosen so many people to replicate the same thing.

I am begining to realise the extent of my co-dependency, it is definately at the root of my addictions.  I am only now getting to see my part in things, my part is not putting up with it, setting boundaries and if necessary walking away.  I realise that, as I said to a friend of mine, we teach people how to treat us, if we respect ourselves then they will, it has taken me years to really understand these words and for them to go from my head to my heart.

I am finally learning a language that I lost.  I would blame others for treating me like shit, I had no idea I let them.  And likewise, others would blame me for treating them like shit and I would take it on, they would blame me for treading over their boundaries, I did not know they were there, they never told me.  I feel I have had a great epiphany this morning and I want to share it with you, I think the world is going to become a much easier place for me as I am learning that maybe, just maybe all that shit was not mine, I could have said not thanks, please take it elsewhere, this public convenience is actually closed.

In Search of My Mental Health

I am so excited…….it has been a really emotional week, one way and another.  In the midst of it all, it has all started to come together. The hope of a documentary with two Addictions Therapists talking about service provision, or rather lack of it, for people like me with no private health care and little funds to pay a therapist, has finally come to fruition.

I have got a production company on board and we are shooting on 13th August, it will be on this website asap after that. We are not commissioned, we are all doing it for free because we believe it is a very important thing to be doing.

It is my  passion to use my journey, (battling with Mental Health, Addictions, Eating Disorders and Co-Dependency, to name but a few of the Addictions I have), to highlight the gaps in the provision available to people like me, and just what a huge impact that has on mine and others lives.

The jury is still out on my diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder/Bi-polar, the Psychiatrist has now passed me over to a Psychologist and hopefully I will get to see her before the end of August.  Thank God I am not as unwell as I was even a few weeks ago, this waiting and having to go over what is going on, over and over again really does my head in……!

I once saw a huge bill-board on the way out of Waterloo Station which said, ‘If Britain was a person it would be sectioned……’ I do truely wonder if it is not the people but what we are expected to tolerate that compounds the state of our minds, it certainly feels like that to me.

The series is entitled In Search of My Mental Health.  I will keep you posted.

Life’s Lessons

Today has been a wierd and wonderful day……….full of ups and downs and confusion. It has been going on for a while now.  When there is confusion for me there is generally something I am not looking at, not wanting to see and it is in those moments I need a good friend around me who is prepared to take the risk of telling me the truth.

The truth in this particular instance is that the lesson has been here a lot of times and what is it?  I pondered most of the day and finally it hit me between the eyes, I cannot change anyone else and nor can I blame them for being who they are.  My job, and here in lies the rub, is, I have to take care of myself…………..boundaries!  Well if I don’t know what someone is talking about and what a boundary is how  am I supposed to put one in place.

This is a long lesson and I am slowly learning it, it is painful, it is co-dependency in it’s full force and it is the route of all my addictions, not being able to take care of myself and not knowing how or what that means.  So I end up being, or feeling put down, pushed down and not knowing how the hell to do anything about it.

The lesson has finally come home, I let them, whoever they are, same shit different smell I always say, doesn’t matter whether they are male, female, tall, short, whatever, there it is.  Now I have to learn, to say no.  No, that is not ok for me and stick with it, and if they are not ok with that, then I do not have to change and contort myself so they won’t leave me……………what is your name………….what do you want it to be?  All that people-pleasing mania that almost took me to my grave is slowly changing.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be, with my history, my way of relating and it is all up for healing, to be investigated, not blamed and shamed as I know only too well……….and I was doing the same, only I did not know it.

I remember when I was just being me……..not doing anything to anyone and I was accused of all sorts of things that I was apparently doing to others, I took it all on board, blamed myself and changed my behaviour and a lot of my natural personality just because someone didn’t like me.  I now look at that and feel very, very sad, it was their stuff and I had no idea I could have stood up to them, said sorry you feel that way………..I just did not know how to do it.

Thank goodness I am learning, a day at a time to look at myself, face my demons and take the time to stop and ask …….what is the lesson here and be prepared to change. Sadly I was and have been doing a lot of what was done to me, blaming others for treating me like crap, but I let them, just like those people who blamed me, they let me and I took it all on.   I once heard a brilliant analagy of this about a public convenience, people want to dump their stuff, and will keep trying each door til one opens.  I choose to be one that is no longer open………and they will just pass me by until someone lets them in.

What a day!