The last few nights I have been lying awake worried about money, as I am not working at the moment due to my repeated breakdowns and living on welfare and housing benefit, which I am very grateful for. Fortunately I also have some help from a friend and a brother, but it is rapidly disappearing and I panic. Bills have gone up, petrol has increased and the cost of food has gone through the roof, without their support it would be impossible for me to survive. I have realised that this level of stress contributes to my depression and before I know it I am crippled with fear.
Coupled with this I am still waiting to see the Psychologist, it has been well over 2 months now. I went to the doctors to ask about things and to see what could be done and was told that the waiting lists at the moment are very long. For her to put me forward to the Horizon Center where people have long term therapy for abuse and trauma the list is about 6 months and for the CMHT it is similar. For anyone to see a counsellor it can be up to 5 months and then it may just be 12 sessions……………in the meantime I am encouraged to take the antidepressants and wait. Apparently they help with anxiety, which they are a bit it has to be said. If I also increase the dose they help more with the depression. As a writer I am loathed to do this as I don’t want to feel so monged out I don’t feel anything anymore.
I woke up this morning and realised that the reverse of FEAR is FAITH, that it is vital for me to get back into a positve way of thinking, all will be well, it has been before and it will be again. I am asking for help. I am writing, I am in the process of organising a documentary to discuss the gaps in the support system and see what suggestions there are. We are now shooting in 6 weeks due to various factors and I am applying for funding.
I get good days and bad days, and some days are better than others. Because a friend is helping me I have been able to see a therapist privately who has reduced her rate so she can support me until I get to see the CMHT team, thank goodness I am because without this I would be in a real state. The cost of this is over £200.00 per month and it is rapidly eating into the support and again leads to my worry that I will not be able to stay with the therapist for very much longer.
I went for an assessment at RASAC (Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling) it took them over a month to be able to see me for an assessment,due to their lack of funding. When I did get one they said I would have to wait another 4 months before I could see a therapist and then, they would only be able to offer me 12 sessions to see if they could help me because they were not sure they were equipt to deal with all my issues. I was so shocked by this, they wondered if I would need to be hospitalised again if they triggered too much………where does it end?
How am I going to get well? In the meantime, I wait. The treatment center I have recently left said they could not even begin to deal with the trauma I have had, all they could possibly aim to do was to help me to be more contained. I find it all really difficult to take in and so hard to hold myself somedays. The lack of funding for people like me who need long term care is just not there. I am hoping and praying that the funds will come and I, along with many others will begin to get the continued help we need.
In the meantime, I will practise moving from fear to faith and trust God knows what is going on. Thanks for listening.