Tag Archives: mental health and addictions

Moving On!

I have decided to write my way through the next few weeks, as I prepare to move home and move back toLondon.  I wanted to catalogue the things that have to be done and how I believe miracles are going to happen, to move me on.

The past almost 3 years, I have been living in what can only be described as one of the most beautiful houses I have ever seen in my life.  It is stunning.  I used to drive past here 3 times a week on my way to therapy.  I would sit in the traffic every morning looking at this house thinking, God, I would love to live in that house, and now, I sit writing this looking at the passing traffic………..it is amazing.  Little did I know that the people who live here were hoping that somone would rent the property that they would get to know. This was all happening around 2008/2009 and I moved in here on 1st Oct, 2009 after everything had been brought to a head in my old property and I had decided, wth the help of a friend that enough was enough and I had to move out!!

We were made homeless because the council had absolutely nothing to offer me, and private landlords are not happy to have people who are living on Housing Benefit, so we were truely stuck.  My son was moving to London, and I was so mentally unwell I was on my way to re-hab for six months.

I prayed and prayed and had a dream about setting up a company called Addicts4Addicts, at this time I had absolutely no idea what to do about this, but the vision was there.  Today I have a business plan with it in it and am in the process of moving things on, all being well.

We were selling all my jewellery on ebay to buy food, we were scratching around for all we could find and counting the coppers all around the house. Then a friend very kindly offered to give my son and I our deposits so we could move on with our lives, and before I knew it I found a wonderful landlord who had absolutely no problem at all with me being on welfare and who gave me a beautiful home, which has been my refuge for the past 3 years.

Now, we are moving, the house I have been renting is selling and I have decided that I want to take this opportunity to move back to London. I left 26 years ago, to move to Hong Kong, then Portugal then Bristol and then Surrey, where we have been for the past 19 years………….it is time for me to go back, to the place that I call home.

So, this is the situation.  I am currently living on Housing Benefits and Income Support and sickness allowance, due to my Mental ill health, which I am hoping and praying will slowly improve as it has been a really tough year.  I have not heard from the estate agent since I told them I am living on Housing Benefit and so not sure what will come next.

I have been told that most landlords do not like to have people on welfare renting from them because some Councils tell them to stay there, even thought their tenancy has run out, that they can stay there and wait to be evicted………or, as another one told me, we advise people to lie to landlords, otherwise they will not be housed. So, this is my dilema and so I have decided to write about it.

I am 52 years old, I have a degree in film-making, which I absolutely love and I am planning on somehow, as I get better, to work in that field, never give up on your dreams they say!! I am extremely grateful for the welfare, having lived in countries where there is none. I would so appreciate any help with the move back to London.  I need to be out of here by the 29th August. So, lets see what happens. Please pray and keep your ears and eyes open for any opportunity. I almost got caught up in a huge scam last weekend, but I still believe in the good and putting it out there to God and the Universe. I am looking for a beautiful, either one bedroom or large studio appartment in SW London. I am so hoping one day I will be in the position to buy again, it feels wierd going back having lost everything in the 1989 crash.  I have just never managed to date to get back on the ladder.

Last week my main concern was finding another address for my currently rather dormant company and my tax returns and an accountant to do them………within hours this was sorted and we are just waiting for that to tie up. I have done a couple of car boots to get rid of my stuff and made a huge decision when getting rid of a few very important things. I also burnt loads of old bills and paper together with old bank statements………….it felt so good!

I have finally, after 26 years and 11 months, given away the contents of my maternity case.  Boy that was painful………I realise that it is time to let it all go.  I feel better for it. And as I embark on all the rest of it, papers, diaries, address books of people who have moved so many times from there, I realise I have been stuck in the past, distressed and traumatised by many things and now, I am slowly and very painfully letting it go…………and I am grateful.

I was talking with someone yesterday who told me the most beautiful story of her life and how everything has eventually been restored, it has given me so much hope, in the middle of chaos, it is all going to be alright, I just have to keep doing the work, be brave enough to let go and trust God to provide me with so much more than I could ever imagine.

Todays task is finishing my bedroom, so I have all I need in a suit case, the rest into boxes ready to go to storage…….the process is slow, but who knows how much I will eventually keep…….what do I really need and what is actually just ready to be let go of?

Russell Brand on Addiction

What a breath of fresh air Russell Brand is…………….I have to say I am so grateful that he said what he did……….it is time to treat Addiction as an illness instead of a crime……..absolutely.  It is an illness, it is not only a physical one it is also psychological and spiritual one.  Russell goes on to say that what really needs to be addressed are the symptoms of the illness, the route of the problems.  Once these are addressed, with good quality, supportive and compassionate treatment, the chances of recovery are greater. Sadly, even after almost 33 minutes, the government people on this clip still seemed to be missing the actual point!

This is so very true and something that seems to be missed all over the place.  Punitive, punishing approaches have been the way to deal with most things of an emotional nature over the generations as a rule, and lets hope that in the not too distant future we will see the wind of change.

Below most addictions, if not all is, as Russell says, is a lonely, sad, unhappy and detatched person who uses drugs or alcohol, or both, or food or anything else they can to stop the emotional pain.  The real problem comes in my humble opinion, when the addiction is addressed and the addict is left with the emotions, the reasons why they use whatever it is they use…………….that is where the real work is and where compassion is essential for anyone to get well.

I was horrified the other day when talking with my NHS Psychologist, she told me that new evidence has shown that Compassion is the new kid on the block, so to speak, when I said it is not rocket science……….I was told it is in the NHS………compassion for oneself, most of her clients have no idea of how to be compassionate to themselves……..and I am one of them, although I am getting a lot better than I was at taking care of me………the reason for this in my opinion is simple………to be compassionate towards oneself, one firstly needs to know what that is, what it looks like and then why they are not able to do it, and the worst thing of all, what is missing because of the lack of it.

As babies and children, we learn how to treat ourselves by how we are treated, we internalise it and then do it to ourselves.  If we have had a compassionate carer, we are naturally self compassionate…………….and the same goes for if we are treated badly.  I believe this is a social epidemic. Love and compassion are the way forward and they always have been………we have just lost sight of it in the crazy stressed out world we live in.  I salute Russell Brand for his candid honesty and hope that the government finally begin to listen to what the real issue is.

Special and Different

It has been a while since I last wrote here and I have really missed it.

However, this has been a really helpful time for me in many ways.  I realised something very important, I don’t expect anyone to understand me.  This is on a very deep level and not even conscious, it is something that is so old it just feels normal and true.

Then, I remembered something someone once said to me, ‘sorry to tell you, you are not special and different’!

I was taken aback really, firstly because I did not know what they were talking about, and secondly because I truely believed I was.  Not in an arrogant way, although later it can be seen I guess as arrogant, but because for me, nobody got me, apart from my Grandma I now realise, when I was growing up. She never told me, but she did things, little things, that somehow made me feel safe on a very subtle level.  Other than that I was always told I was crazy, that I was attention seeking and every-time I tried to connect I was shut down and told to get on with it.  I longed for a warm embrace, someone to listen to me and just get me, someone who would say, when I asked them why they were late again and I had waited hours, sometimes days, that they are so sorry and how hard it must have been for me.  Instead I got, what is your problem, get on with it, I am here now arn’t I!!

All this has contributed to me feeling very special and very different, and it is an awakening every day when someone gets me.  I have to say though, I shut down, I shut myself down and now I am realising that when people don’t get me, it is not because I am wrong or bad or stupid or any of the other things, it is just because they don’t.  However, others do!! This is a revelation for me.

I have truely believed that nobody would understand me, so I stopped telling anyone what was wrong, I stopped sharing my feelings and I stuffed them with whatever I could.  I made choices based on my own experiences, of people not getting me or wanting to be there for me and help me.  I am slowly changing, with the right people around me.  I need a lot of loving and slow awakening to begin to come out of what has felt like a living hell.  I think now it is one of the reasons I write, I have to get it out and it is so incredible when people tell me they get it.

So yes, I am special and different, but I am also begining to realise I am not alone.  It can be said in a rather derogatory way,’ you are not special and different’, but actually, I believe that until we find like minded people and have the courage to share our stuff, we do not know. Growing up, feeling alone, not being understood and being around people who do not know how to help you, does, in my humble opinion contribute towards people, me, feeling very special and different.  I left home feeling like if I told anyone my thoughts and ideas, they would laugh at me, so why would I tell anyone anything?  Thank God this is changing.