What a week I have had……….it has been like the big dipper at Blackpool amusement park, on the highest ride of all. I have found fellow suffers, blogs, videos and so much out there, now I am finally focused on what the issue at hand is. I have had difficult decisions to make, but made them and in the midst of all that, I feel like my heart is breaking……………the grief is overwhelming and then I tell myself who really wants to read all about that? Surely they all want positive nice and fluffy stuff, then I decided that maybe you would like identification and one day may be good, the next bad and the next utter crap!! That is how life is for me at the moment and I think and hope that it is that authenticity that you will actually want to connect with.
I am finding this STEPPS course so difficult and even wondering if is for me, seriously. I actually need some support as well as the course on a regular basis from someone who is aware of the course and helping me to deal with what is coming up, and that is not happening as yet and I am finding it very very hard to manage without it. This week we did Challenging, challenging the thoughts that are in your head, the thoughts that come up that are not real!! Well, what if you actually believe they are real? As some of you may see, I am on the road to recovery, and it feels like a very long road at the moment! At the same time when I am going through the questions on the sheets to answer how could you challenge this particular thought, for example, ‘it is wrong to have your feelings’ ……..I am struck by grief and rage at the fact that if I had been allowed to have my feelings I would not be in this position, I cant seem to just answer the question………each and everyone of them is bringing up more and more stuff that is not anything to do with me really, it is all their crap that they have put onto me and now I have internalised it and am doing it to myself……………its a process, and one thing I am grateful for is I am feeling my feelings!
I have found two resources that are helping me to not feel so alone and help me to connect with my feelings. I would like to share them with you. One is a video and the other is an article, all things I have discovered as I research my tribe.
I hope you find them helpful whether you are a sufferer yourself or helping someone who is.
This video is one of the most beautiful and clearest descriptions of how it feels to be me. Although I am not in as bad a place as I was regarding the more severe behaviour, the feelings are there. Sometimes words are just not enough.
I have also found this article so helpful and what an inspiration Marsha Linehan is.
Thankyou for reading my post, I hope you will continue to follow my progress!